These are things that keep me awake at night, or worse, press their weight upon me at the first light of day, as I lay in bed wondering where my children are, and why she couldn’t love me. Is there anything else I could of done to make her love me? And then I feel that tightness in my chest and the deep pit in my stomach and I just don’t want to eat again today.

Love is like that.

For the record, Kirstin and I separated over six months ago after a turbulent seven years. We both feel a divorce is in the best interest of everybody. She has decided that she wants to stay and live in Chapel Hill, NC. I have decided to return to Denver and do something that has been brewing in me for the better part of sixteen years.

There is nothing else I can say.

I find repeating in my head the singular question, who benefits from this? Dogen Zenji continuously urges penetrating self inquiry into one’s motivation for practicing the Way. It can never be acceptable within the great lineage of the Buddha and his disciples to practice for ones own gain. To do so is to slander the Buddha Dharma and places one a million miles apart from the pure practice of zazen without hope or gain.

According to my teacher, Shohaku Okumura Roshi, Dogen Zenji defines offering or dana as “not being greedy”. Can I practice zazen without being greedy? With no expectation of reward? Honestly, I recognize that there is one thing I covet and pray for, the kasaya or kesa, often asking the Buddha, Bodhisattva-Mahasattva’s and all Buddhist Teachers throughout the ten directions and six worlds to please grant me the merit and protection of the kasaya. Leaving this aside though, my only wish is that I live this vow, to wholeheartedly practice Zazen as taught and passed down through Dogen Zenji’s enduring Dharma.

your beautiful bright smile

tears fell unceasingly

for what we no longer share

Spirit flagging

How long, how long

Before the sun rises once more?

Will I ever hear

The dragons howl again?

And yet, Zazen has saved me. The Buddha’s blessing is boundless and shines brightly through all my dark corners.

It is now day 31 since I took my last 120 milligram dose of methadone. I have never experienced such intense withdrawal on this scale and duration before. Still, I managed a couple of hours of seated Zazen yesterday, and again, this morning. While in rehab, I sat Zazen for the first week but there came a time when I could no longer sit still upon my cushion, body wracked with pain and spasms. Then I took up walking Zazen and found a measure of strength to endure wholeheartedly the blistering fire that kept me awake night after night until I was sure I was losing my mind.

I returned to my community in Bloomington two nights ago. Hardly anyone around because August is when we are between Summer and Fall practice periods. Just myself and another old monk opening and closing the zendo for the past two days.

I am so grateful for the great patriarch Eihei Dogen, his transmission of the Buddha Dharma down through the ages to my Hojo-san, Shohaku Okumura. It is through the great benevolence of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas that I am clean today.

I am reminded of Karma in Three Times, of Hyakujo and a Fox, of a red bearded barbarian and a barbarian’s red beard. Right here is salvation and I don’t have to wait until tomorrow.

I have found that shikantaza helps me to disidentify with the pain of withdrawal. Not to deny this physical pain but rather to continuously drop the thoughts I have about the pain. For at least the last four days I do this in kinhin rather than sitting zazen because I am unable to manage more than twenty or thirty minutes of sitting and it is very difficult for me at this time.